I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.