If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.