My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me