me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!