This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas