Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.


Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.


Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.


Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.


Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer


no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.


You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.


Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.


Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.