@bouncerface

Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.

@daplusk

Hangovers: Where the spirits you drink the night before haunt you the next day.

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@bobbiejo448

Marijuana does have an adverse effect on my spelling skills. It’s to the point that Google even knows when I’m high.

@_Prozach74

Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer

@fart

no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@Lisa_Laughs_

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

@_Prozach74

Come here and listen close and carefully, I’m going to slowly explain what condescending means? Go ahead and take notes if needed.

@The_Sculptress

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?nnSo sad. Really.