I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.