why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it