When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My birthstone is kidney
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.