If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Body by sandwich.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait