Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.