Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich