My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets