Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.