me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes