Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times