For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
