Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a 10, but imaginary
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Nonmaterial gift ideas:
An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house
*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted