Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now