Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.