The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No