If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.