Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.