I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”