A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer