Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.