Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.