carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list