Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.