What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.