She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Twitter is an abusement park.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.