Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
My dog learned how to text
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie