Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Twitter is an abusement park.