WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
this is literally a CIA plant
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.