Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.