I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.