Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
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[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.