(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
out-housing market appears to be strong
