making my dog give me my pills
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
murder on the timeline
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick