I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.