I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.