I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!