looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”