I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’d rather go liquor treating.