Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.