Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.