I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.