A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
