them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.