I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Twitter is an abusement park.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.